Every year we pause before the Black Friday rush of gotta-have-it, and we plant a cautionary flag in a collection of trends and notions ripe for ridicule. It’s the time of year when turkeys collectively quake with fear, so it seemed the perfect time to announce our annual Fashion Turkey Awards. After eight years, we’ll also do something unprecedented. We’ll issue one pardon to a turkey we’d like to save from slaughter.
1. Thigh high jeans
Imagine someone wearing thigh high boots over their jeans and you’ve got the look, except there are no boots. It’s just some weird colorblocking that gives your jeans a trompe l’oeil boot effect that is spoiled the minute you look down and see bare ankles in this skinny leg version. We are huge fans of James Jeans here, so we hate to name names, but this is too odd to love. These look a little better when the finished project is monochromatic, but the harsh line at the thigh when the colors contrast is too jarring. And we can’t forgive them for the “jeather” version: a mashup of jeans and leather that makes us weep with disapproval over the name and the product.
2. Photorealistic shirts
This falls in the realm of just because you can doesn’t mean you should. In recent years technology has made vividly colored photorealistic shirts easier to manufacture. The results are shirts that mimic high-definition television. The lion’s head roaring on the shirt looks three-dimensional, the baseball star swinging a bat looks so real you want to scurry to catch the ball, the doughnut with sprinkles sweatshirt looks like a gigantic treat. And, yes, all of those images are real shirts. Novelty is great, but there are few people who can pull off being dressed as a doughnut outside of Halloween, and none of them is over the age of 12.
3. High-tech purses
Why do people keep trying to make purses more practical? There’s really nothing more practical than a tote of all your favorite things. Make them cuter, make them bigger or smaller, make them in different leather and pleathers, but stop trying to make them practical. All we really need is a GPS for our lipstick and keys, but barring that, leave the purse alone. Lights in the purse, great, but I don’t have eyes on my fingertips. Covert pouches, whatever; I’ve got a pouch that’s cuter. Mobile charging station, great; the purses cost $300 for ho-hum designs, and I can buy an external lipstick-size charger for less than $30. Boom.
4. Weird hidden pockets
On first blush the SholdIt Clutch Wrap purse sounds like an interesting idea, but I’d put it in the category of things that you brilliantly envision one day while out drinking, but the next day you think again and go, “Oh yeah, that’s kinda dumb.” It’s a traditional infinity scarf with two hidden pockets for ID, credit cards, cash, cellphone, lip balm, keys, tickets, etc. All that is according to the press release. The problem? Now you have a lumpy scarf stuffed with your ID, credit cards, cash, cellphone, lip balm, keys. Besides, if that’s all you’ve got, the flat stuff can go in your back pocket, and the lip balm and keys in the front. If you’re carrying more than that, who the heck wants it dangling around her neck? Nice scarf, but why does it look like it swallowed a Nikon camera?
5. Workout corset
We give three cheers to the occasional body shaping undergarment that smooths lines while you’re wearing a jersey dress or formal gown, but a corset at the gym just makes us cringe. This workout band claims to “ensure that your workout is working for you,” whatever that means. As far as our trainer is concerned, a workout is about you working; there are no shortcuts. Yet a few waist-binding devices claim that wearing a corset while exercising builds heat and promotes the mobilization of fat cells. Fun fact: You actually burn more energy working out in cold weather, not hot. And you know what else promotes the mobilization of fat cells? Moving.
6. Crass
mobile apps
This isn’t technically fashion, but it’s a trend that bears squashing. My phone recently displayed the cartoon image of an Asian woman with half her face transformed through the magic of a new app it was promoting. The app lightened her skin, widened her eyes, removed the freckles and changed the rounded shape of her face to an oval. Making said cartoon character lady “more beautiful in one step.” All the responses we have for that are not printable. Next up, on the incredulous app line, is Carrot Dating, an app that lets you offer bribes to strangers to get them to agree to date you. Apparently, awkward conversation just doesn’t cut it anymore. It launched in October and claims to be the world’s first bribe-for-a-date app. We hope it’s the last. The most popular bribe is a bouquet of flowers, which is seemingly benign but fundamentally depressing because dating used to be about courtship, and offerings were meant to be heartfelt platitudes, not bribes. Yet the site says, “Singles will discover what truly motivates men and women by dangling the right carrot.” And lest you think the founders of this app have altruistic intent, I’ll leave you with this: The founder has said that women love presents like dogs love treats and that some guys have offered plastic surgery for dates. We wish we were making that up.
7. Chic Birkenstocks
Let’s be clear. The typical crunchy granola hippie Birkenstocks are great. But you’ve got to own that boho alt-country fashion statement, so don’t put sparkles and patent leather on it and pair it with your cocktail dress. We support the flat footwear trend that’s giving women more options than orthopedic-nightmare heels, but that can be done with clever menswear hybrids and graceful inspired low-heels. Chic Birkenstocks are about as plausible as Frankenstein-inspired prom dresses. We realize that “ugly cool” is a thing; that doesn’t make it OK.
8. Belly shirts
Crop tops and bra tops and hybrid babydoll shirts all have one navel-baring quality in common. When the spring 2014 roster for fashion week shows confirmed that crop tops were indeed the next big thing in fashion, the world gasped a collective, “oh no.” Not because the 6-foot-tall lean models on the runway looked ill-styled. Oh no, we saw the future of everyday America in tummy-baring concoctions, and we nearly went blind. The nation is not getting smaller; we’ve got to face facts that we are growing in size. We don’t have a problem with that. Work out, don’t work out, whatever, but no one wants a flabby flesh parade. Put that away.
9. Pointy nails
This was a thing that kept happening this year. Celebrities flaunting painted claw-like nails with their red carpet items. Please stop, your talons are freaking us out.
10. Trends that are over
We’ll end with a round-up of trends that are over. You might still own them, love them, want to wear, but you shouldn’t. You probably know it. You pause at the closet when you pull them out and grimace and wonder. Is this still in or not? We’re here to confirm your suspicions.
• Bedazzled pocket jeans. If you still own these, box them in a time capsule for the year 2025, when they come back into fashion.
• Flare jeans. Ditto, though you may not have to wait as long. Right now it’s all about the skinny and the straight-leg. Flares are about as hip as saying, “hip.”
• High-low hem dresses (over the knee in the front and ankle grazing in back). They had a good run; we had a skirt or two ourselves. But it’s over.
• Shirt collar necklaces. Yeah, those were clever and cute and ubiquitous and saccharine, and now they need to be ignored until our memories get fuzzy.
• Fringe boots. Sure, people are trying to bring fringe back, and we want to support you. We want to like your fringed footwear, but we don’t. Nope. Sorry, tried.
One reprieve
And now for the moment you’ve been waiting for, the one item we’d like to pardon. Our only reprieve granted. You won’t all agree, but that fowl the president pardons every year looks just as succulent and tasty to us meat-eaters as the rest. So we’d like to pardon harem pants.
Yup, MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This,” Aladdin trousers. We like them. We prefer the version that’s slimmer than the MC Hammer cartoon version and draped to be a tad more flattering, but most options bring a smile to our faces. On some bizarre fashion twist, we don’t care if they make our butt look big. And no, we don’t want to see everyone donning them. That’s not what the reprieve is about. They will not be on our list of closet essentials. We want instead to acknowledge that not all wardrobes need to be turkey-free. We know you’ve still got those clogs and won’t give up your weekend sweatpants or probably the bedazzled jeans we mentioned. We don’t hold that against you ... we just reserve the right to tease you about it. So we can agree to disagree on our poopy pants.
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