But while Sedaris is now proficient in rabbit care, she admits that in the beginning, she made a bevy of bunny faux pas. "All the information you get at a pet store is wrong. Tattletale didn't have any hay, I'd feed her oatmeal, I didn't know what vegetables were appropriate. I fed her those colorful pellets that you get at Petland, which are so bad. And she lived up underneath my mattress." Here, Sedaris offers some essential bunny facts, and tips on how to keep your fashion rabbit healthy, happy, and not stuck inside air conditioners.
If you are a jet-setter, a neat freak, or live in an itty-bitty studio, don't get a rabbit.
"The number one thing is to make sure you have the time and the space for a rabbit. The majority of their diet is hay, so you need to have a place for a hay box—hay's going to get everywhere. And they need room to run around. You have to engage them to get them hopping and happy. They're real communicators—you just have to be able to take the time to get to know them."
Your bunny should have a vacation destination apart from its cage.
"You should absolutely have an area other than your bunny's cage where she can hang out—though it's not recommended that a rabbit is free-range in your apartment. It could be very dangerous. It's nice for them to have a cage or a hutch, but make sure it doesn't have a wire bottom. [It's bad for bunnies' paws.] They like their own little designated area so that when they get tired of you—and they will—they can go away."
Don't feed your bunny M&M's or celery from your Bloody Mary.
"They need a variety of vegetables, pellets, water, and lots and lots of hay. I don't understand when people don't realize rabbits are total vegetarians. There was one girl who gave her rabbit M&M's and she was surprised that her rabbit died. And don't give your rabbit celery dipped in vodka. That's just stupid to give to any animal."
Definitely give your bunny massages.
"Rabbits love my hour-long massages. They love when you rub the tips of their ears. And if you can feel their spine, rub your fingers down to manipulate the area. It gives them a lot of energy."
Your bunny needs toys, and it might nibble on your furniture.
"Bunnies want chew toys and things to toss around. They need to be entertained. I like to make what I call Dynamite Sticks. You take a toilet paper role, fringe the sides—they love anything fringy—and then put hay in it. They'll grab it and throw it all around the room. Give them any kind of cardboard to chew on. They love it. They chew everything. My rabbits chewed my shoes and the side of my bed. They shredded my bed skirts. All of my clothes still have holes. If you really love your rabbit, you won't care."
Bunnies do not enjoy loud experiences, like booming music or, say, fashion week parties.
"They don't like loud music. It scares them. And they can die of a heart attack if they're frightened."
Bunnies are, in fact, deeply intelligent and can learn fun tricks.
"Rabbits are really inquisitive, and they love to learn tricks—they just want to be rewarded for it with a treat. I found an animal behaviorist who lives in Chicago, and she taught Dusty how to play cards. I'd put out a deck, and then she'd take the cards and flick them into the bowl. I also taught her how to take the lid off of oatmeal containers."
Bunnies are not dogs. Don't try and bring them everywhere, and don't put them on a leash.
"First of all, rabbits don't like to be picked up. They're prey animals, and they like to know where they are and what's going on. No surprises. Sometimes people get leashes and take them for walks, which isn't good, either. They don't want restrictions. They'll struggle, and along with heart attacks, the number one reason why they die is breaking their backs."
Bunny's always the boss.
"That's actually a rabbit conference motto. You just can't believe how bossy they are! They'll nudge you if you're in their way or if they want you to get up and play. They know how to get your attention. And if you're a rabbit lover, you'll do anything for them. They just rule the house."
Bunnies are spectacular pets.
"They're very clean animals, they're quiet, and they love attention. If you get down onto their level, they'll cuddle with you—they'll end up rubbing their chins on you. I love how affectionate they can be. They purr. They make little noises. And when you've had a bunny for a while, you realize that you're tuned into their senses. It's really nice that you can communicate with an animal like that. It's amazing."
For more information on rabbit care or adoption, visit rabbit.org.
Photos: Courtesy of Grand Central Publishing
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